Homesick, yes, but what for?
I look at the pictures on Facebook from Carolyn's birthday and I immediately miss Claremont: the Motley and Mudd and the Frankel suite I've never seen. I emerge from the shower into my concrete room and I think of my house in Edina, with warm, soft carpet and all my physical needs met without having to trudge through the rain to a store that may or may not be open. During the day mundane memories pop into my head--going grocery shopping, navigating Philadelphia highways, washing dishes together--and I miss the centipede-infested mansion in Swarthmore and overheated third floor room in Wynnewood where Nelson and I spent our summer.
And, of course, I'm trying to make Copenhagen feel like home, too. I mean, I *have* to. There'd be no point to my studying abroad if I completely detached myself from my surroundings here. And on good days, when I manage to make it through a commercial transaction without resorting to English, or when I stroll down cobblestoned streets and feel that sense of ownership... Well, maybe I succeed for a while.
But overall, I feel like my self is made of permanently missing puzzle pieces. No matter where I return to, I won't be "home." I'll still be missing all the others.
Most of all, I yearn for stability. (What, Karen looking for order in her life? Sacre bleu!) For so long I have celebrated my relatively cosmopolitan existence--that I can live in Edina and study in California and work in the middle of nowhere and take an internship in Philly. I guess I still do. I like myself when I'm adventurous, when I take risks. But maybe this last trip has stretched my soul too far. I'm honestly sick and tired of living out of a suitcase or two--as I have done ever since I first left for college. I want to be settled, have a place where I can have a freaking garden with basil and peonies and lilacs. I want to go furniture shopping and invest in a breadmaker and paint a mural on my bedroom ceiling. Why? Because I could.
Right now, no place is home. How long is it gonna be until I find one?
* * *
In other news, I brought Zachary to the Apple Store today. The guy said he'll probably be fixed in two weeks. Guess I no longer have to decide whether to bring my computer traveling... *sigh* At least it's covered by AppleCare.